I don't mean the medical definition. I mean, the subjective fat and why are we so hard on ourselves? Admittedly, I sometimes marvel at how "big" some people are. Just Sunday, at mother's day dinner, I saw a little girl who had to weigh close to 200lbs (if not more). She was probably 8-10 years old. I felt so bad for her. She sat at the table grinding the salt shaker INTO her mouth while her parents ignored her. They ordered EACH of their children their own bacon-cheese fries platter. I sat there in astonishment. I also have guilt, because who am I to judge? I have children who are trim by standards. However, I still marvel. GOSH, it is hard enough to be a big adult, but to be a big kid? I can't imagine.
I have heard the saying over and over again "nothing tastes as good as being thin feels". Really? What does "thin" feel like, because I am not sure I have ever known. Sure, I can look at pictures of myself from 20lbs ago (30, 40, 50lbs, etc) and say "Wow, I wish I was there again", but the truth be told when I was "there", I thought I was fat. Even as a 12 year old, I remember suggestions of diets from family and feeling so bad about the way I looked. Let me just tell you, I was not fat. I had no clue though. I really thought I was. I cannot remember a time in my life where I didn't feel like I was "too chunky".
For almost a month I have been on a mission to get healthier. This does not mean I am on a "diet" per-say, but I have self imposed eating changes I have made. The first one was to cut almost all preservatives out of my diet. I have done a bang up job of that one. It wasn't that hard after I read the research about what all that stuff does to us. The second was limiting sweets and carbs. Sweets has been way easier than I had thought. I have a sweet tooth the Grinch would envy. However, the "carb" issue, not so easy...but doing better. I allow carbs at breakfast, some at lunch, and only fruit/dairy related carbs at supper (if any). I am satisfying my sweet tooth with gum or fruit right now (and a free day on Sunday). I am listening to my gut and asking myself "are you truly hungry, or do you just want to taste it? Mostly, I just want to taste it.
Food makes me happy. Will being thin EVER feel as good as eating the foods I want, when I want them? I doubt it. I want to give it a shot though, and if I ever get there I will report back to you. I am certain that even if I achieve that goal (being thin) I will worry about things that sag that used to not, or other little things like stretch marks and such.
Really I just want to be healthy. Right now, it is misery trying to get that way. Yeah, I am doing it. Yeah, I want to do it. Yeah, it feels good on many levels. I am getting a real sense of satisfaction every time I pick up a food and put it back down and walk away. I felt good when I finished my work out today (the first in many months). But, I miss baking. I miss creamy dishes. I miss fried stuff.
I think to myself "Shoot, there are lots of people out there who would be SO happy to be my size". I know it is true. I mean, I wouldn't qualify for the biggest loser, that's for sure! It is thinking like that that makes me susceptible to giving into my cravings. I mean, the people who love me are going to love me no matter what, right? Well, that is true but if I love them, why risk putting myself in the grave?
I am NOT healthy. I have health problems no one my age should have. A lot of them can be rectified by getting weight off. Still, I refuse to go on a "diet". I want to make changes that are healthy that I can LIVE with. I am trying to find the middle of the road. No, I do not want to have 100 calorie snack packs because they are full of preservatives and other things my body doesn't need. I do not want reduced fat dressing, because of all the processing it takes to get it there. I want to stop putting harmful things into my body, as much as I can. I will NEVER be a vegetarian. I am a omnivore, with the heart of more of a carnivore, and God created me that way. I have no interest in even entertaining that thought.
I am not going to label myself as fat, y'all. I am overweight yes, but that does not define me. Some would call me fat, but heck, when I was at a healthy size/weight some called me fat. Okay, so admittedly I have been moo'ed at at restaurants and barked at (like a dog) at the gym. I have had people make open comments on my weight. Yeah, it hurts. But, they do not know me. They do not know that I love with all my being, that I can cook a mean meal that most would enjoy, that I am a darn good mother and wife, and many other things. My size does not define me, but I am on a journey to define my size. I'll let you know along the way how my perspective changes.